Finding a good solicitor to represent you in your divorce, is a next to impossible task if you have no prior experience to draw upon.
Various Internet directories will present you with unfathomable lists of firms who may simply have paid the most amount of money to sit on the top of the respective list; top doesn’t qualify good.
Personal recommendation is unquestionably the best way to find somebody, but it doesn’t tend to be the sort of thing one talks much about.
In the first instance, contact friends or relatives who have personal knowledge of a solicitorius nature and ask them if they are OK discussing it, then bombard them with questions.
If you draw a blank, go through The Law Society’s worldwide selection process, find a solicitor, ask to see testimonials that you’ll be able to follow up, then do!
Major changes to your daily routine following a separation, can leave you with pockets of time you’d rather not have empty.
Any upheaval is likely to be part of a temporary phase and you will undoubtedly have nice events to look forward to in the not too distant future.
The problem is, the bit between now and then can often feel like a gaping chasm.
Find a local charity who you affiliate with and donate a few of your spare hours to them. They will be delighted to receive your assistance and it’ll give you lots of fresh activities to occupy your mind.
It’ll also open the door to a flock of new people and interaction with like-minded volunteers will create a healthy and healing environment for your mind to reside in.
If you have an occasional off day, don’t spend half of it giving yourself grief for feeling that way and the rest of the day searching for something shiny to lift your mood.
Sometimes, it’s good to just embrace a bit of stillness and if you choose to, feel sad about what’s going on, have a darned good cry about it, then pack all those thoughts away back in their box and let the feelings pass of their own accord.
Chocolate might help, tea might too (it most certainly worked for me) just be careful of temptations to steer towards unhealthy distractions, like excess alcohol or drugs.
Your inbuilt survival instincts will kick in after a while; all things must pass.
‘A divorce is like a death without a funeral’, so a learned soul once said; how true that statement is.
Living with the ghost of your ex in the early days can be extremely taxing, especially when they’re making more ‘noise’ following their departure, than they ever did whilst in your relationship!
If their audible vitriol is loud, take solace in the fact that it will eventually fade and go. However, when silence replaces it, that can be a double-edged sword, bringing a welcome end to their wittering but also a void where the noise once was.
Have a funeral for your relationship’s end. Take flowers to a water’s edge and throw in the petals as you close the door on your sadness and mark the event.
Everything goes back to the earth, including the energy from lost love.
If you have a garden shed full of your ex-partner’s tools and DIY equipment and they have no interest in removing them, it’s worth exploring the less painful routes to ridding yourself of them and ceasing those constant, niggling reminders.
Whatever you do, don’t throw the items out with the rubbish!
A little bit of internet research will uncover several charities who would benefit enormously from your generosity and would be delighted to take them off of your hands. A great many of them will service and repair said tools and send them overseas to countries where these commodities would be greatly appreciated and put to good use.
Hold on to a few bits if you must, but only if you think you might need them, then clear the rest out and enjoy the cleansing process of reclaiming your space.
If you are struggling emotionally, mentally or physically to adjust to your new situation, try hard to take a photograph of something beautiful every day.
Be that a spider on a cobweb from the dusting you haven’t done lately, or a flower poking through the weeds in the garden that you haven’t pulled up, or maybe a set of burnished brass studs on the leather chair in your solicitor’s office.
By keeping your focus on the beauty amongst the chaos, you’ll give yourself an interesting daily project that won’t take too long to accomplish and sometime soon, you’ll be able to look back on these images and recall what was going on at the time.
You’ll blink a metaphorical eye and your divorce will be part of your life’s history and eventually, the photographic record of the other things that were going on around you, might be a little more pleasing to peruse.
Try to let go of any plans of great substance you had with your ex partner.
Be they building a house from scratch, going on a world cruise, or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. They are best laid to rest with the relationship.
However, you can now plough bountiful energy into re-hatching those plans, or better still, into forging entirely new adventures that better fit you and your new circumstances.
Conquering Mount Everest would give you an equally enormous sense of achievement and it would have the new you stamped all over it in glorious technicolour. Perhaps more importantly, it won’t have a tainted memory of, ‘Look what they missed’ attached to it either.
If you were the one who left your ex, regardless of the reasons why, it might be a good idea to brace yourself for potentially oppressive waves of guilt.
Not guilt for leaving them, but for feeling partially responsible for the ensuing chaos that followed your departure. You must let go of that feeling; it’s futile, all consuming and serves no purpose other than to elongate your pain.
Instead, try to focus your mind on the fact that you are free of the situation that caused you to leave in the first place, there may well be a few details to clear up regarding your collective worldly chattel, but you’ll get through it.
However difficult you think the immediate future might be, hold onto the fact that you’re over the hardest part.
It’s awfully tempting to offload divorce angst, onto somebody who really is on your side. Indulging the urge to do so is fine, providing that person isn’t your solicitor.
It’s an expensive mistake to use your solicitor as a counsellor and to be honest, unscrupulous ones are unlikely to encourage you to stop.
Divorce and the ancillary pain that goes with it, is part of their regular day at the office but never forget, your time is their money. They may feed from the morsels of detail you throw them and with anger fuelling your fire, you might end up instructing them to write costly letters to contest things that aren’t worth it.
Keep a level head and employ them to get the job done, not be your friend through it.
Broken hearts can offer an easy route to the precious resources left in your bank account; treasure every penny.
If you have children together, be sure to make a note on the calendar of every night the children stay with you, or with your ex.
As mentioned here recently, the Google calendar facility is very easy to use and you don’t have to look at it all the time. You can deselect it from everyday view, then it won’t act as a constant reminder of any angst you may be suffering but it’s easy enough to access when you need to update it.
It may seem completely unnecessary, particularly if everything is running along amicably between you and your ex, however, the nicest of worms can complete the bizarrest of u-turns and on the topic of your children, it is better to be safe than sorry.
If child-benefit related authorities get involved, they will want a detailed account of who stayed where and you may also have to provide details to the solicitors too.
If you never need to use it, that’s wonderful, but if you do, you’ll be glad you’ve got it covered.