Divorce Coping Tip for 20th October 2018

Whether you have recently split up or are in receipt of your Decree Absolute, it’s worth investing a time when deciding if you want to hang out with a group of friends.

A toxic group that have nothing better to do with themselves than whoop up a hate campaign, are simply that, toxic. They will dampen your already depleted effervescence in their futile and thoughtless attempts at making you feel better. They are likely to leave you feeling that you have a complete inability to make a decent judgement on what constitutes a decent partner and even if that’s true, you don’t need your nose rubbed in it while you’re still bleeding.

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Conversely, a well meaning group of chums who have your best interests at heart might also wreak havoc on your emotions with relentless hugging and tears and by laying the, ‘Aww, still there’s plenty of other fish in the sea’ comments at your feet; if only you fancied going out with a fish eh!

The group mentality is a unique one and it is often led by a noisy individual. Ideally, you should be running on at least three cylinders before making rash decisions to be a member of the pack.

Divorce Coping Tip for 19th October 2018

Before you enter the meeting with your solicitor to discuss financial matters, I advise you to be better prepared than a high ranking Boy Scout.

The less work your legal team have to do, the more money you’ll be able to hold onto, so go in armed with as much as you can from the following list.

  • An up to date valuation of your property
  • current mortgage status
  • valuations on any other assets
  • CETV values of pensions
  • your most recent P60 and 4+ payslips
  • self-employed folks will need to bring their books for the past 2 years
  • a valuation of the business from your accountant
  • 12 months bank/building society statements
  • the surrender value of endowments
  • your last tax return
  • details of shares held
  • credit card statements
  • outstanding loan details
  • and finally, in as much detail as you can provide, your income requirements.

This bit is undoubtedly the most mentally taxing segment of your divorce and the sooner you tick all these irritations off the list, the better; good luck with it all.

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Divorce Coping Tip for 18th October 2018

You might not be particularly keen on looking to the heavens above in a religious way for divine inspiration, despite the fact that you may have stood palms up to the sky with eyes closed calling, ‘Oh God!’ in exasperation.

However, last night, the full Hunter’s moon coincided with a very high tide, the lunar activity being responsible for the huge movement of worldly waters.

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If you consider that we humans are over 60% water, perhaps this global shift is the perfect time to wash off any divorce blues that have been lapping over your emotional sea wall.

There is more visually heavenly activity set for this evening, so if you are able to stand under a clear sky and have a little meditative time to clear your mind, it might help soothe any fractious thoughts.

Divorce Coping Tip for 17th October 2018

It can be incredibly difficult being a parent and trying to forge a new life after you’ve divorced a controlling, demonstrative ex.

If your children have become so used to seeing a parent communicating and behaving badly, there’s a likelihood that they’ll adopt those very same traits. They see bad behaviour but think it’s normal; that’s quite an exhausting tide to fight against.

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You could easily end up in a fractious situation with your child that leaves you feeling as though you are stood there in dialogue with your ex. You hackles will go up in self-defence and it might even make you feel as though they have violated your living space by channeling their anger through your child.

Treat each of these situations with calm, loving patience and remember, your vile ex isn’t in your home, you are safe and the child needs kindhearted urging towards more socially acceptable ways to behave.

They’ll either work it out for themselves and sharpen up, or fall down the same path, where history runs a horrible risk of repeating itself.

Divorce Coping Tip for 16th October 2018

It can be impossibly hard to make a seemingly straightforward decision about your relationship, when you are experiencing any form of domestic violence, also referred to as domestic abuse.

For anybody that hasn’t suffered its bitter aftertaste first-hand, you might think to yourself, if you’re being mistreated in any way, just leave; if only it were that easy.

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Firstly, assess whether you (and your children) are in danger; if so, act immediately by removing yourself from that environment long enough to sharpen up a forward plan.

If you are struggling to think clearly and need a safe refuge, contact any of the following organisations and they’ll be able to guide you towards the light.

UK Women: England.Shelter.org.uk Refuge.org.uk or WomensAid.org.uk

UK Men: EsteemMen.co.uk ManKind.org.uk or MensAdviceLine.org.uk

National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247

Start to clear the fog today.

Divorce Coping Tip for 15th October 2018

When your divorce comes down to the bare bones of finances, that’s often the time when tempers fray and subversive plans are hatched.

A good and fair solicitor should advise you to split your joint wealth 50/50 so you both have an equal opportunity to get on your feet with the funding you’ve both acquired. Sadly, that’s not always the case.

A bad advisor with the bit between their teeth might urge you towards disposal of your assets to family and friends, for example, selling your boat to your sister for £5.00. This would leave you with a bottom line on your financial statement of far less than you are actually worth and would of course reduce the fair division of wealth between you and your ex to unreasonable levels.

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You run a huge risk of being caught out and if the tide turns, of walking away with a fraction of the value you amassed during your marriage.

Dirty tricks are precisely that, dirty. Bad karma has a way of catching up with you and biting you in the backside when you least expect it; play fair and be a decent human being.

Divorce Coping Tip for 14th October 2018

I imagine your tender constitution is also being bombarded with relentless reminders of the fact that Christmas is around a not too distant corner (sorry, but it is October!)

There are greetings cards, rolls of wrapping paper and spangly bunting in all of the major supermarkets, even the local independent shopkeepers have swivelling displays of paper greetings waiting to be bought and scrawled on.

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If you are immersed at any point in your divorce right now, consider yourself in quite a unique and favourable position. The Christmas card list is in your control! You can legitimately scratch off anyone that has racked you off, you can halve your postage bill by slicing off anyone from your ex’s side of the fence and you can probably take a year off from sending any, simply because.

Interestingly enough, anyone who is insistently fond of you will send you one and not grumble if you don’t send one back. Perhaps you might like to rewrite your friends list too.

Divorce Coping Tip for 13th October 2018

I don’t think anybody that has been through the divorce process would claim that there are any periods during it that are less distressing than others. Being completely honest, it’s a bumpy ride from the moment you sign on the dotted line and engage your solicitor.

The decisions you have to make on a daily basis about simply living and eating are arduous enough, so what do you do when elderly parents exacerbate your hurt by wanting to know the ins and outs of the duck’s backside that is your divorce?

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One example of this domestic madness occurs when they insist on talking to you about the children you are struggling to organise visits with and they’ll stamp over your feelings by trumping your pain with their pain, which is of course far worse.

All I can advise you to do is hold your ground and tell them firmly but politely that you do not want to talk about it. It is your business, it hurts like hell and whatever they are feeling, you are almost certainly feeling worse. Look after yourself and do all you can to avoid wounds from friendly fire.

Divorce Coping Tip for 12th October 2018

Today’s tip was inspired by a mother who dropped me a line asking for advice on how to deal with an arrogant son in the wake of her divorce.

He is riddled with anger that arose during the tail end of her marriage to his father and it’s in serious need of management, for him primarily, but the poor mother is at the end of her string.

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His attitude is steeped in illogical, selfish behaviour and it feels as though he is on a constant mission to push her patience beyond it’s limit and to make her suffer for the misfortunes he has to deal with as a child migrating between two homes.

Which one of them needs a guiding hand? They both do. He, towards understanding that he will suffer throughout his life if he chooses to shoulder his angst; counselling to help him address the root issue is probably the best way forward. His mother also needs to learn how to step away from the desperate frustration she feels, as she make futile attempts to pour love and logic over illogical situations.

Sometimes, walking away is the only way, at least until heart rates slow down and cool dialogue can begin. And no, this isn’t an instant fix tip, but when children are involved, it very rarely is. Just hold onto what your life was like before the breakup and affirm your love for your child. Things can only get better but it might take a little longer than you hoped.

Divorce Coping Tip for 11th October 2018

There’s nothing like reverting to a little juvenile behaviour when the world and your ex are raining down on your parade.

All you need is a piece of paper and a pen. Begin by writing out their name in full, vertically.

Then, depending upon the mood you are in, either pen a harshly insulting word, a cutting profanity, or a funny send up which embodies them, spurring off of each initial.

It won’t get you anywhere particularly, but it might relieve a modicum of tension, stress, anger, frustration or general boredom.

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To top it off, you could even tape a photo of your victim underneath the masterpiece. I suspect the best place for it afterwards, is the paper recycling box.

Now breathe deeply, get an early night and go live to fight another D A Y.