If your ex has been a particularly awful soul, despite the incredible temptation you may have to take scissors to what’s left in their wardrobe, don’t chop up your ex’s clothes, it’s an awful waste.
Donate them to a local charity shop or refuge, or if you have the time and energy, Ebay them and make a few pounds, but remember, you’ll have to physically handle them and with each item you touch, a memory or two is likely to come back and tap you on the shoulder.
Take the most time effective and emotionally peaceful route to clearing that space and when you’ve done so, wipe the space over with a lavender oil covered cloth to complete the cleansing process.
Paperwork, oh paperwork; the bane of an apprentice divorcee.
I know precisely how frustrating it feels to have yet another fat envelope full of forms plop onto the doormat, especially when they require your best handwriting to fill them all in.
So when your Self-Assessment Tax forms arrive, I completely understand the temptation to leave them to the last possible moment to complete; let’s face it, you don’t actually have to do them until next year, technically!
If you can cope with a bit of online hoo haa you’ll be pleasantly surprised how much quicker the process is.
It may be in your best interests to complete your return at the earliest opportunity and if you have children be sure to complete your Child Tax Credit forms too, especially if you are struggling along financially. You may find once the tax offices join their dots, you might be in line for a rebate but more importantly, if the monetary swing has swung the other way and you act swiftly, you’ll not incur an enormous bill that you need to repay.
Last week, I talked about mentally preparing yourself for Father’s Day. Well, here it is, are you ready?
Are you ready for the guilty/inadequate feelings you may endure for sending a card on behalf of your children/not sending a card on behalf of your children/not receiving a card and questioning your very existence/encouraging them to send one and failing/coping with a difficult conversation with children regarding sending one to a step-parent/getting a card and questioning why that’s all they’ve done if you haven’t seen them in a while/sending a card to your ex’s dad, or simply doing something for your own dad, knowing he’s going to tear you off a strip for splitting up?
Cut it how you may, if you have children or a living father, you are unlikely to get through the day emotionally unscathed.
Look forward to the bit at the end of the day when you can plop yourself into a warm bath and relive any really good bits (if there were any) and wash the rough stuff away. Tomorrow is another day; hopefully next year will be a little easier.
Trust me when I tell you that it is possible to feel a pang of barbed hurt when other people make light of your useless ex.
I’m not entirely sure why it happens, especially if the ex has been a particularly masterfully useless waste of space, it just does.
The best way to deal with exterior comments is to do your level best to let them wash over you. It was somebody else’s conversation after all, you just caught wind of it, you didn’t initiate it and you probably didn’t need reminding of how dreadful they were; presumably that was part of the reason you parted company.
So, flip the kettle on and go wash your hands of the words. Don’t engage in a response, it’s not worth it.
Whilst you are enveloped in the maelstrom of divorce (and indeed at many other busy junctures in your future) it can be very hard – if not impossible – to successfully meet all the targets you set for yourself.
Be it getting the laundry off the line before the rain comes, or getting the roast in the oven for a perfect mid-day meal, picking the kids up from a friends house, having your hair cut, mowing the lawn, phoning your mother or getting your Coping Tip of the Day scheduled on the computer so it goes out at midnight!
Don’t overstretch yourself, mentally, physically or emotionally if you can help it. Learn how to say, ‘Actually, no I can’t’ and cut yourself some slack.
If you don’t meet all of your deadlines, it’s unlikely that anyone will die as a result (unless you are an anaesthetist) so slow down your pace and let a few things fall through the gaps.
OK, it’s time to face it; you are on the run up to Father’s Day. Good luck.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do about it, you are damned each, every and either way.
If you are an absent parent, missing your child like crazy, if you find yourself ensconced in solitude, or if you find yourself wrapped in loving step-children by marriage or arrangement, somehow, nothing quite hits the mark.
Regardless of your present circumstances, you may find yourself yearning for a simple day with the relationship that once was. The one where you didn’t have to worry about upsetting anybody, the one where you were just glad to wake up with them in the same county.
Mother’s and Father’s Day hurts and the only thing that eases the pain is time; my loving thoughts are with you all.
Today’s tip is a distraction technique to make your mouth water. According to About Divorce, it takes 3 to 6 months on average from the date when the divorce petition is lodged with the court until the Decree Absolute or Final Order. Different courts have different timescales and the process will take longer if either of you delays at any point.
A few months is a conservative estimate and if you are ticking the days off until you hit the magic 100, you might find yourself disappointed as you hit 80 or 90 and are nowhere near the end.
Instead of striking the days off the calendar in a negative way, try doing something that counts the days up and goes beyond your expectations in a positive way; make a dry-cured ham and look at around 90 days plus.
You’ll need a pig or boars leg, a large crate, salt, a rub, some netting and ideally a north facing larder or cool room to store it while it cures. There are lots of mouthwatering recipes available on the net and you’ll be spoiled for choice once you start looking.
Once you’ve completed the necessary processes, the taste and flavours deepen the longer you leave the ham and if your divorce becomes prolonged, try to flip the way you look at it and remember every additional day will make a mouthwatering difference and you’ll have the perfect reason to celebrate your liberty and freedom when it arrives.
They say that love on the rebound is bound for failure; believe me when I tell you that is complete and utter tosh.
Once you’ve separated from your ex-spouse, essentially, the world is your oyster, but if you do dive into a new relationship soon after, you run a high risk of backlash from ‘the they’ saying, ‘Oh, they were probably doing it for years, I’ve always seen that glint in their eye’ and an assortment of other idle slander.
If you were faithful in your relationship, those unfounded comments have a way of piercing your very soul with harpoon-like barbs. If you were playing away from home, it may still hurt to have your guilty boils lanced for the world to watch but the only person you have to square it all up with is yourself; you know what went on in your marriage.
Assuming you are in a fresh field and starting again, be mindful of the pitfalls if you decide to plough into a new relationship while you’re still negotiating your way out of your last one.
If you find yourself presented with a potential suitor who looks as though they may hit the mark, even on a platonic friendship level, be honest with them about your living timeline; the flack might be just over the hill once ‘the they’ get hold of the news.
If you find yourself going into a flat spin every time you need to visit a solicitor or attend court or see your mediator, it’s worth getting to grips with a couple of practical coping mechanisms.
Of course, if you really are struggling, it might be worth making an appointment to see your doctor to explain how you’re feeling and they may advise you to take occasional medication as and when you feel under attack.
However, you might be able to learn a few tricks to keep your mind occupied during difficult periods and that way you’ll not let the unsettling thoughts creep in.
Try moving up through the alphabet going from A to Z on whatever topic you feel like playing with, try holiday destinations, or recipes for example. When you get to the end, if you still have time to kill, pick another topic and start again. You’ll be surprised how effective this simple exercise is at keeping the demons at bay.
Solicitors are one of the most expensive professionals to employ the services of and it can feel a little intimidating going through the process if you’ve never spoken to one before.
You may think that every tiny question you ask and every minute it takes them to answer you, is notching up your bill and you’d be right. That said, most solicitors do offer a free hour of consultation before you sign them up; be sure to make the most of every second of that free time!
Once the divorce is underway, remember you can do some of the work yourself, if you are up to it emotionally, which may make your bill a bit lighter but be aware that it may slow the process down a touch.
Be sure to document everything you do and ask your solicitor to detail all the tasks they have undertaken for you with a clear note of the time it has taken them and don’t be afraid to challenge them if you think it is unreasonable or excessive.
If you become very disenchanted with poor service and excessive and unjustified costs, you can refer your case up to the Legal Ombudsman or The Law Society (UK). This is unlikely to give you a swift result, but it will certainly be investigated; just bear in mind you have a limited time in which to do so.