Divorce Coping Tip for 17th December 2017

What do you do on the lead up to Christmas if your children aren’t allowed to see you and they sit under the immobilising spell of a hate campaign waged against you by your ex?

In the short term, there’s not much you can do to be honest unless you are prepared to make a very disruptive noise. If your ex is unfairly controlling the contact they have with you, there’s always the choice of taking them to court to have a judge certify what your visitation rights are, but even then, a vile and spiteful ex will probably ride roughshod over it until they are forced to do otherwise. Also, that’s not going to produce a positive result before Christmas.

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Any noises you make to try and see your children may well antagonise the other parent and it could actually make things worse for the youngster.

There are always routes through the barricades however and it’s your job to find them. Find an empathetic relative from the other side who can deliver a message, or go through school perhaps, maybe even just write an old fashioned letter and have it delivered to a neighbour or trusted friend. Pour love on your children via any means and know the malevolent parent will probably pay the price for their unpleasant behaviour; karma has a way of settling things eventually.

Divorce Coping Tip for 16th December 2017

Think realistically about the amount of inner strength you require to hold onto the memories of the good bits that you had in your marriage.

The happy dynamic you once shared is highly unlikely ever to return in the form it had and no amount of optimism can make it so. Even if you’ve had a remarkably palatable co-existence since your separation, divorce will render it different and you would do well to accept your relationships’ migration to another plane, instead of hankering for the past.

Invest your energies into rising again with gracious acceptance and thanks for what you shared and look to the future for new relationships that will colour your world with fresh, bright tones.

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Divorce Coping Tip for 15th December 2017

It might come as an awful shock if your doctor confirms one of your greatest fears; your divorce is causing you to suffer with anxiety or depression.

You are not alone, don’t worry. According to the UK’s Mental Health Foundation, around 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental problem in the course of a year and 1 in 6 in the past week.

Don’t fight the diagnosis or the recommended course of action and if your doctor advises you to take medication, don’t fear getting off antidepressants before you’ve swallowed a tablet.

Rather, consider the consequences of not paying attention to their informed judgement on your current state. All things pass and you will be back on your feet again in good time.

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Divorce Coping Tip for 14th December 2017

I’m aware the tips of late have dealt with large and looming practical topics. It’s time for one designed to keep your physical and mental levels as buoyant as possible through what may be an incredibly draining time for you.

People generally don’t like to grumble about things they have little control over, but remember your doctor is ethically bound to listen to the situation you find yourself in. If elements of it are biting into your wellbeing, your doctor may end up being more valuable than your most trusted friend.

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It’s your doctor’s job to help you stay as balanced as possible, through and beyond your divorce. Heed their advice and be sure to ask them about other supportive networks and non-chemical based, holistic products and therapies too.

If they prescribe anything to help you get through it, once you get to the end of your troublesome phase, make a further appointment with them to discuss a withdrawal plan, don’t make that judgment yourself and just stop, be a patient patient.

Divorce Coping Tip for 13th December 2017

If you live in England or Wales and have decided to divorce your ex, you’ll do well to visit the H M Courts and Tribunal Service’s website at gov.uk/divorce, particularly if you are keen to keep your costs to a minimum.

This link will direct you to the form finder section for Divorce; if you struggle to do so, simply search for the following forms. Begin by downloading the guidance notes of D183: Divorce and Dissolution, followed by D184: I Want to Get a Divorce / Dissolution and if you have children you’ll also need D185. Bilingual forms and guidance notes are also available.

When you’re ready for the big one, you’ll need D8: the Divorce / Dissolution/ (Judicial) Separation Petition. It’s a very detailed 8 page PDF, you can fill it in online and print the three copies you need. One is for you to keep, the other two must be submitted to a nearby divorce court and they’ll forward one of them on to your soon to be ex-spouse.

To be honest, even if you do decide to use a solicitor to represent you, it’s a very good idea to fill the D8 in with a clear head, a large cup of tea and a box of tissues. I suspect by the time you get to ‘The Prayer’ on page 8, you’ll need them all.

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Divorce Coping Tip for 12th December 2017

If you’ve sat in the shadow of a joint bank account with your ex, once you’re the other side of their dominance, enjoy the excitement and liberation of opening a new account just for you, as you assert yourself in your newly separated phase.

Ensure that all passwords to access your money and associated information are different to your old ones and choose another PIN code too.

It’s a strong mark of independence and if you haven’t been allowed to do your own banking in the past, it might seem completely daunting but if your ex was a financial controller, it’s easy to understand why you might feel that way.

The bank staff will be only too pleased to walk you through your options for personal and online banking and it’ll soon become second nature to be in the driving seat of your finances.

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Divorce Coping Tip for 11th December 2017

If your ex was a control freak and trapped in a mental box, you can be sure that even after the divorce, they’ll chance their arm again and try to regain the control they (thought they) had.

If you’ve broken away from that relationship and are now back on your feet, that’s where you need to stay. With enormous bravery you removed yourself from that oppressive situation and you do not need to revisit the horror or hurt ever again.

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It may well be that you need to seek out a steadying influence, a close and dear friend who knows what you had to endure, in order for you to see the light again.

Ask them to help you up from any temporary dips of sadness and they will. Anyone who observed your descent when you were with your ex, will know the value of patience, reassurance and perseverance.

You are a survivor, never forget that!

Divorce Coping Tip for 10th December 2017

Recently, I talked about separation, divorce and the situation if you have/had a mortgage and are based in the UK. What happens if you’re renting?

If you have a sole tenancy that is not in your name, but in the name of the person you’re married to, they will be liable to pay the rent for as long as the tenancy continues.

If your ex has left the property and the rent isn’t being paid by them and arrears build up, the landlord may take action to evict you.

If your ex-partner is no longer paying any rent, you do have the right to take over and pay the rent and the landlord cannot legally refuse to accept it from you.

If the landlord says they aren’t prepared to accept your rent monies, proceed to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau immediately, you do have rights and you need guidance and advice as soon as possible. Good luck.

Divorce Coping Tip for 9th December 2017

For divorce related correspondence that is simply too painful to read, don’t create a pile of unopened heartache, ask a trusted friend or family member to read it through with you, or for you, instead.

It may be beneficial to select somebody who is divorced themselves, as they’ll no doubt be able to recall how upsetting and difficult this simple task can be. An empathetic, understanding soul won’t mind at all and they are less likely to miss an important detail or deadline because they weren’t digesting the information with tear-filled eyes.

You stand a better chance of not missing urgent deadlines, which could have resulted in costly errors and finally, your impassive assistant should encourage you to pen responses with more equilibrium and less vitriol; ultimately, the only person to benefit from spiteful letters back and forth, are solicitors.

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Divorce Coping Tip for 8th December 2017

In the wake of a very high profile celebrity divorce case here in the UK, I was asked to speak on a handful of mid-morning BBC radio stations on their case and the general topic of divorce and domestic abuse.

I was asked several times whether people threw the towel in on their marriages quicker than had happened in the past. Prior to my research on the subject, I would have said that as a society (Western world anyway) we have embraced an almost throwaway attitude towards things like our mobile phones, old computers, TVs and so on. We can replace and upgrade their spec in a heartbeat and it is possible that we’ve transported that same attitude into our marriages.

It’s more likely, however, that with a spiralling population with enormous financial pressures on their shoulders to keep up with the Joneses’ that the value of that most precious of institutions may have slipped through our fingers a tad.

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I think more emphasis on the work/life balance in favour of life and subsequent better communication will help us to hold onto the good and overcome the bad.

Is it time to book a day off and give your faltering marriage one last shot? Believe me, walking away from anything with your hands held high, saying you’ve done all you can, will bring you comfort in the future.