Create a nice ritual to tag onto the end of a necessary visit to your solicitor or any other authorities – mediators or counsellors etc – relating to your divorce.
Make up a tasty flask of something that comforts you, a velvety milk-based hot chocolate or a vibrantly stiff black coffee perhaps and pack a fuelling snack or a naughty treat that you can look forward to consuming once the official dialogue is all over.
As soon as you exit their offices, find a pleasant place to settle down on a bench to enjoy your victuals as you compose yourself and regroup.
There are few topics I’m reticent to dip into because of the enormity of them. This is one such and if this tip is relevant to you, please seek further advice and assistance, it is not something you need to deal with on your own.
So, you say you’re going to leave and they reply, ‘You can’t do that, I’ll kill myself’.
Where on earth do you go from here?
Threatened self-harm or suicide is indeed a cry for help, but not one you are qualified to treat. It is often deep rooted and even if you believe you know what the underlying causes are (dubious it’s simply your unveiled plans to leave) it’s unlikely to be something you’ll be able to handle well.
If the situation seems fairly calm, you may be able to buy time and put things on ice while you find breathing space to contact their doctor to explain what’s happened. However, if things are out of hand and danger is possibly imminent, call the emergency services and request assistance from the police.
Mental health instability is very real and should be treated seriously, it is not however, a reason to keep you living with the person who is threatening it and your mental health and wellbeing need to be taken into account too. Make an appointment to see your doctor and download the situation, you may need a little of their TLC also.
If you ran a business with your ex, splitting the house and matrimonial assets is one thing, splitting the business is quite another.
Even the most straightforward of businesses will be complicated enough to divide and it may be prudent to speak to an accountant in the very early stages to assess where you are and how they best recommend the hammer to fall.
Once this has been established, the solicitors will have to draw up agreements to reflect your decisions but of course, you still have to make the ultimate choice of whether you continue to work together or not.
Nobody can best advise you. You are the only person who can make that decision and if you have an analytical business mind, I hope it helps you calmly lay out the potential consequences of taking the Yes or the No path.
Good luck with your decision.
I don’t know about you, but I cannot make decisions about anything when my hands or feet are stiff with the cold.
There is a great deal of inner strength to be found from warming your bones, particularly as divorces seem to have the ability to chill you to your very core at times.
Staying warm will also keep your energy levels up and might stop you feeling so tired, as your body won’t have to work so hard to keep your temperature up.
Double socks, warm vests, fleeces, gilets and additional layers underneath your main outfit will keep you toasty during the day. In the evening, a hot water bottle and your duvet are good to cuddle up to whilst you’re sitting down to relax and will do a great job of keeping unwanted shivers at bay.
Try your level best to have calm discussions about how to split the matrimonial assets and collective goods in your divorce or dissolution settlement.
It is far better to reach an amicable decision that you follow up in writing, than to employ a solicitor to peg out all of the individual items on a ridiculously long list that will end up costing you a pretty penny to do.
If it all ends up being too much of a mountain to climb, consider having an impartial friend broker the agreement between you.
At the end of the day, most items can either be replaced in time, sourced second-hand or done without; pay great heed to the possibility of the latter, it’s inherently easier.
I’m aware the tips of late have dealt with large and looming practical topics. It’s time for one designed to keep your physical and mental levels as buoyant as possible through what may be an incredibly draining time for you.
People generally don’t like to grumble about things they have little control over, but remember your doctor is ethically bound to listen to the situation you find yourself in. If elements of it are biting into your wellbeing, your doctor may end up being more valuable than your most trusted friend.
It’s your doctor’s job to help you stay as balanced as possible, through and beyond your divorce. Heed their advice and be sure to ask them about other supportive networks and non-chemical based, holistic products and therapies too.
If they prescribe anything to help you get through it, once you get to the end of your troublesome phase, make a further appointment with them to discuss a withdrawal plan, don’t make that judgment yourself and just stop, be a patient patient.
If you’ve broken away from a spouse who could best be summed up as controlling, maniacal, deceitful and utterly deluded in the thought that they are fine, it’s the rest of the world that has a problem, well done you!
It takes a very brave soul to step away from somebody that has such a loose grip on reality.
Difficulties arise when you remove yourself from the frame and they find a replacement whipping post in your children. It’s disturbing to observe evidence of them drip-feeding poisonous verbal cocktails that paint them out as the victim, when the truth is quite another matter.
However, deep-tissue lies are very hard to sustain and eventually, they will be seen for who they are and they may have to face dire consequences from their actions.
If all you can do is send the child your love and as much reassurance that things aren’t as they seem, do it and do it as often and in as many ways as you can, be the light and send the love.
When separation and divorce comes a-knocking, it’s not just contact with the ex you have to ponder.
You’ll find a whole raft of friends and family waiting in the wings for their fate to be decided upon too.
If the flappy-tongued gossip-mongers have done a good job and they are quick off the mark, you might not have the luxury of making that decision. A fair proportion of former associates will fall either side of the fence and you might be surprised to the core by the stance of a few.
My extensive research has shown that those living in the most fragile of greenhouses, with the most questionable pasts, have regularly been the ones with the most audacity, sat on moral high ground, throwing the most enormous boulders, showing they have more front than Blackpool!
It’s life and you might find it easier to let go of their connection, than to fight to keep them onside.
There are plenty more friends of fish in the sea.
When you feel the weight of your situation bearing down on your shoulders, try to make a list of at least three things you usually have fun doing and tape it to the fridge or a kitchen cupboard that you see regularly.
The list can contain anything from knitting, ice skating, bathing and grooming the dog, star gazing, giving yourself a pedicure, meditating or visiting an art gallery; the only pre-requisite to be on the list is that the activity should give you pleasure. Decorate it with silly smiley faces too, you don’t have to be van Gogh about it, an L S Lowry stick-woman will do.
If you see the list enough times as you pass through the house, eventually you’ll seduce yourself into doing one of them and hopefully restoring your smile again.
It only takes one happy event, one positive occurrence to happen and you can wipe out a whole tide of sadness in one motion. It might not last forever, but it’ll set the tone for a happier day.
Pensions are often the most overlooked, yet incredibly valuable asset when it comes to splitting your collective worth.
If you both have a reasonable portfolio, consider leaving them intact rather than each of you taking half of the other person’s; this pointless transaction will cost you dearly in the long run.
Conversely, a healthy pension on one side could be a useful tool when splitting immediate monies. For example, one partner may have all their needs met in the short term and not have an urgent requirement for liquid assets; trading short for long-term security could hold the key to a swift settlement.
I realise it’s the most tricky of topics, but do your best to negotiate calmly, either alone or with a mediator before engaging the solicitor to start bargaining on your behalf.
Of course, if at any stage you feel your ex is unjustly trying to hang you out to dry, leave it in the hands of the professionals and make plenty of noise; the fairest will in the world will not be able to reason with some.