I do love a good distraction technique, because let’s face it, when you are drowning in waves of anguish from your divorce, finding anything new to peg your hopes onto is good.
The inspiration for today’s tip arose during this evening’s supper time. The family and I were tucking into a delicious meal of vegan chilli sin carne (i.e. chilli con carne but with no beef). I’d used ingredients that I’ve never used before so I wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out but knew that the elements which made up the dish were tasty in their own right; with a fair wind they would combine well and the taste would be good.
Actually, it was delicious and it reminded me of the fun you can have when you throw caution to the wind and just throw a few new things into the pot.
So, my advice today is metaphorical and urges you to move away from the pre-scripted route of dinner or life, whichever you need more and to lay yourself open to happier suggestions.
You might enjoy the menu a little more and that’s no bad thing right now.
Depression hits one in four of us here in the UK and life altering events like divorce often sit at the heart of the cause.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s very treatable. Solutions to combat it can be found in medication, counselling, alternative therapies like meditation and acupuncture amongst many others.
Writing your way out of the darkness can also be incredibly powerful and if you are ready to put some of your thoughts on paper, the ‘Diary of Divorce’ might be just what you’re looking for.
It’s a 150-page companion journal for men and women with emotional and practical prompted headers and you’re encouraged to fill the pages in with your story. Decanting anxious words from your head will help you vent your frustrations, pour your heart out, keep organised and plan a brighter future.
Find your copy on the Magic Oxygen Website today and just make sure you keep it locked away.
As you meander through the divorce process, you’ll find yourself presented with countless opportunities for physical, emotional and spiritual transition, to a higher plane.
The financial transition you have to undergo is generally imposed upon you; there are very few ways you can prevent it.
I liken the alteration to adjusting to retirement. It may have been thrust upon you against your will, you might not want to stop being with people you’ve previously loved sharing the company of. You might not want to cope with having less disposable income in your pocket. You might not want to move house, but financial pressures may dictate otherwise. If you see your retirement or your divorce as a bag of horrors, you’re almost pre-determining a negative outcome.
However, if you accept the fact that there are going to be limitations and you give your imminent change of circumstances a more willing embrace, you’ll stand a better chance of riding the wave, and not drowning.
Once you’ve received your Decree Nisi, you really are jumping over the final fences.
You must wait 6 weeks until you apply for a Decree Absolute, which is the legal document that officially signifies the end of your marriage.
It is hoped that during this period you will discuss finances and start to put into practice the arrangements you’re making for shared care of children if you have any.
However, it is more usually spent ticking the hours and minutes off until you are finally free of your dreaded ex.
You must apply for the Decree Absolute within 12 months or you will have to explain yourself to a court, so even if things are going amicably, you must proceed with the final chore.
If your ex originally filed for divorce but has not applied for the Absolute, you can do so, but you’ll have to wait an additional 3 months on top of the 6 weeks before you can do so.
One of the most infectious things in the world is laughter and when you are getting divorced, it seems fits of it are too far and few between.
Having a proper giggle is actually very good for you! It releases endorphins, the body’s own natural happy juice, it helps strengthen your immune system, it quashes stress and more besides.
So how do you go about inducing a bit when you are feeling down in the mouth?
If you have the internet to hand, your choices are endless. Pull up a snippet of YouTube showing highlights of a favourite old comedy show, like Soap, Happy Days or Cheers. Or if you prefer something purely audible, find a comedy play on the radio, there are so many to choose on the BBC archives alone. Or seek out straightforward joke websites, there are too many to mention and I’m not recommending any particular ones as a great many have listings of genres that you might find offensive!
Humour is incredibly personal and if you can stomach a Google search of Divorce Jokes, you might find something that tickles more than a funny bone. There is humour in the madness you just have to find it.
In Japan in the early 1600’s and for over 250 years, a common man could divorce his wife by writing her a short letter stating he no longer wished to be married.
It was known as a mikudari-han, which translates to three lines and a half.
If it was accepted by the woman, the divorce was essentially complete. In a great many cases, the letter didn’t state the reasons for wanting a divorce, even if the wife were solely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Detailed explanations of what had brought the man to this point were discouraged, as apportioning the blame would hold up the proceedings.
Thankfully, modern practices are dramatically different, however, the reason this piqued my attention was to encourage you to consider writing such a letter if you are about to ask for a divorce; not with the intention of sending it, but with the hope that you’ll sit quietly with calm reserve and put all of your thoughts on paper.
Getting your head in the right space is vital and a serious note to self is a good place to begin.
There are times when only dancing will do. Tap, ballet, belly or just plain old rock and roll.
If you are feeling fragile having recently split from your ex, or perhaps you are knee-deep in Decree Nisi, a spot of foot tapping might be just what you need.
Organise a night out with chums to a local pub or club (if you have bountiful energy), put your glad rags on and go dancin’.
If you seek something a little more demure and sedate, seek out a venue that does dance classes, tango, waltz or any other ballroom, how about Latin or salsa?
You will have a perfect opportunity to get fit, throw yourself around to relieve your stresses and you never know, you might just meet a lovely new partner…a dance partner that is!
Slow, slow, quick-quick, slooooow…
As the nights draw in and the Northern hemisphere heads towards winter, the mornings are darker and no doubt you will hear many people grumbling about it. With the Sun rising a little after 7am, you have a much easier opportunity to observe the sunrise.
Don’t just look from an upstairs window, pay attention to the weather forecasts for the next few days and make a plan to be somewhere with a good view to the East, a hilltop perhaps, or if you are lucky enough to be by the sea a cliff top.
Just as the Sun rises, so you will again. The darkness of your divorce days will brighten, and as the spring brings warmer times, so you too will find a better time if you open your heart to it.
Clean Break Orders are agreements that have been stamped and sealed by the courts and they state that neither party has grounds to make a financial claim on their ex, once their divorce has settled.
It stands firm even in the event of an untimely death soon after the divorce and is generally suitable if there are no children under 18 that need providing for.
If one of the parties earns considerably less than the other, a court may rule the balance of equity be more favourable towards them by way of a lump sum so they are able to sustain themselves in the future, especially as there isn’t going to be any maintenance paid to help them.
If there are children under the age of 18 living predominantly or wholly with one parent, regular, reliable contributions must be paid by the absent parent to assist with their education and welfare. If this fails to be upheld, the CSA are generally more than happy to get involved.
Severing all financial ties with your ex is a refreshing way of clearing the deck, getting back on your feet and starting over.
It is held that Buddha said “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
It is very easy to feel angry about your situation as you go through the emotional roller-coaster that is divorce. “Why did my ex leave?” or if you were the one who left “Why did they behave in such a way that I had to leave?”
You can find simple answers to any question such as this, but the simple answers will not remove your anger. Asking “But why?” is a self defeating loop that will not help.
Calm acceptance of your situation is the only way to squash the anger you may be feeling. Work on that, knowing that it is what it is and anger will not improve it. The only route to happiness is by learning from previous experiences and accepting your current position, whilst working out how to improve it.
Let go of that hot coal and allow the cool breeze to remove the heat from your anger.