Trust me when I say, the hoo haa of divorce can get you down before it has started, throughout the real heated stuff in the middle and long after that Decree Absolute has landed on your doormat; oh man, those ex’s can have a lasting sting!
If your day is getting you down, take heed from a tip designed to soothe your senses and calm your heart rate, the natural way.
The colours of the landscape are changing rapidly, with the leaves on the trees turning all shades of toffee brown; they are a joy to behold on their own!
Wrap up warm and seek out a herb garden at a nearby park, a National Trust property or a show garden near you if you are lucky enough to find one and simply sit in the middle of it and enjoy it on every level.
The evocative scent of rosemary and lavender is sure to have a positive effect on you, especially if you run your fingers over the feathery foliage and indulge the oils.
Sage is another wonder, as is mint in all it’s glorious varieties.
If you enjoy what you smell, feel and see, try to create a chill-out sensory zone in your garden or even on the porch if you don’t have any outside space. You only need a few herbs like the ones listed above to get started and you’ll be surprised how powerful the little plants can be.
If you have children together, be sure to make a note on the calendar of every night the children stay with you, or with your ex.
As mentioned here recently, the Google calendar facility is very easy to use and you don’t have to look at it all the time. You can deselect it from everyday view, then it won’t act as a constant reminder of any angst you may be suffering but it’s easy enough to access when you need to update it.
It may seem completely unnecessary, particularly if everything is running along amicably between you and your ex, however, the nicest of worms can complete the bizarrest of u-turns and on the topic of your children, it is better to be safe than sorry.
If child-benefit related authorities get involved, they will want a detailed account of who stayed where and you may also have to provide details to the solicitors too.
If your ex left in a rush, they might also have left you with the responsibility of clearing out their stuff.
Think about the spaces you most commonly frequent in your home and remove the items with the worst associations to your ex, paying immediate attention to your kitchen cupboards.
You probably have countless cups of tea or coffee and just seeing their crockery can physically hurt. If you have unwanted possession of their favourite beverage mug, bowl or snack plate, consider donating them to a worthy cause, or alternatively, if they’ve really racked you off, take great delight in smashing them, being mindful not to get shards on your skin.
One relatively safe and effective way to let off a little steam is to put the items inside a bag then inside another bag, then cover with a towel and bash with something weighty, or let it drop on the floor; be sure to enjoy the resounding naughty smash!
Remove those irksome visual reminders and find comfort in the finality of the process.
If you have an ex who is dragging their heels getting their financial statements in order, it can leave you feeling like you’re a puppet dangling on their string.
You can force the issue along and make them get a move on by filling in a Form A. This is filed at court and they will make arrangements for full financial disclosure to be made by a certain date in the not too distant future and you’ll both have to attend court to move onto the next stage.
It can call their bluff and shift them into action and if the necessary paperwork is completed and submitted back at the court before the hearing date, you will not need to attend a hearing.
You do have to pay to get this process rolling along but to be honest, if you have revenue coming your way, you may feel it’s well worth it just to bring the phase to a close.
If a new love interest comes into your life, but the timing is bad, consider carefully who exactly the bad timing matters to.
If it’s for The They (all those incessantly noisy people connected to your ex), ask yourself where they fare on the scale of your right to happiness.
It’s more likely that if you took up with somebody on the day you left, 3 weeks after, 3 months, even 3 years, you’d be projected into a bubble of shame.
We all have a right to be happy, on our own if we wish or with a partner if we choose and friends, relatives and The They should be less concerned with your timeline and delighted you’ve found what you were looking for.
That is unless their sole purpose is to cause trouble, in which case, perhaps you should reassess their importance in your life and perhaps reflect it in your forthcoming Christmas card list.
I do love a good distraction technique, because let’s face it, when you are drowning in waves of anguish from your divorce, finding anything new to peg your hopes onto is good.
The inspiration for today’s tip arose during this evening’s supper time. The family and I were tucking into a delicious meal of vegan chilli sin carne (i.e. chilli con carne but with no beef). I’d used ingredients that I’ve never used before so I wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out but knew that the elements which made up the dish were tasty in their own right; with a fair wind they would combine well and the taste would be good.
Actually, it was delicious and it reminded me of the fun you can have when you throw caution to the wind and just throw a few new things into the pot.
So, my advice today is metaphorical and urges you to move away from the pre-scripted route of dinner or life, whichever you need more and to lay yourself open to happier suggestions.
You might enjoy the menu a little more and that’s no bad thing right now.
There are several things you’ll do well to give a wide berth to during your divorce; here are two that should be high on the list.
Having sex with your ex and making drunken phone calls to them.
The former goes without saying if one has their sane head screwed on, yet apparently, it is remarkably common with recent research suggesting that one in 5 indulge intimately with their ex spouse. If it’s unprotected, it has the potential to deliver a whole new box of complicated frogs to the party.
That said, post-split encounters can be a very good way of confirming to yourself that you are doing the right thing. The body often works on subliminal levels and it might be just what you need to put the full stop at the end of your sentence.
Then there’s the drunken phone call, an unforgivably stupid thing to do that could drop you into a pot of very hot water. Avoid it at all costs and if you really must get squiffy and silly, do it with a sensible friend who will take care of you and ensure you won’t reach out for a telephone.
You are pursuing a course that will draw your marriage to a close. If you feel there is hope that you can make it work, it should begin with lots of dialogue and honesty, not by leaping in the sack.
Depression hits one in four of us here in the UK and life altering events like divorce often sit at the heart of the cause.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s very treatable. Solutions to combat it can be found in medication, counselling, alternative therapies like meditation and acupuncture amongst many others.
Writing your way out of the darkness can also be incredibly powerful and if you are ready to put some of your thoughts on paper, the ‘Diary of Divorce’ might be just what you’re looking for.
It’s a 150-page companion journal for men and women with emotional and practical prompted headers and you’re encouraged to fill the pages in with your story. Decanting anxious words from your head will help you vent your frustrations, pour your heart out, keep organised and plan a brighter future.
Find your copy on the Magic Oxygen Website today and just make sure you keep it locked away.
As you meander through the divorce process, you’ll find yourself presented with countless opportunities for physical, emotional and spiritual transition, to a higher plane.
The financial transition you have to undergo is generally imposed upon you; there are very few ways you can prevent it.
I liken the alteration to adjusting to retirement. It may have been thrust upon you against your will, you might not want to stop being with people you’ve previously loved sharing the company of. You might not want to cope with having less disposable income in your pocket. You might not want to move house, but financial pressures may dictate otherwise. If you see your retirement or your divorce as a bag of horrors, you’re almost pre-determining a negative outcome.
However, if you accept the fact that there are going to be limitations and you give your imminent change of circumstances a more willing embrace, you’ll stand a better chance of riding the wave, and not drowning.
Once you’ve received your Decree Nisi, you really are jumping over the final fences.
You must wait 6 weeks until you apply for a Decree Absolute, which is the legal document that officially signifies the end of your marriage.
It is hoped that during this period you will discuss finances and start to put into practice the arrangements you’re making for shared care of children if you have any.
However, it is more usually spent ticking the hours and minutes off until you are finally free of your dreaded ex.
You must apply for the Decree Absolute within 12 months or you will have to explain yourself to a court, so even if things are going amicably, you must proceed with the final chore.
If your ex originally filed for divorce but has not applied for the Absolute, you can do so, but you’ll have to wait an additional 3 months on top of the 6 weeks before you can do so.