If you’ve broken away from a spouse who could best be summed up as controlling, maniacal, deceitful and utterly deluded in the thought that they are fine, it’s the rest of the world that has a problem, well done you!
It takes a very brave soul to step away from somebody that has such a loose grip on reality.
Difficulties arise when you remove yourself from the frame and they find a replacement whipping post in your children. It’s disturbing to observe evidence of them drip-feeding poisonous verbal cocktails that paint them out as the victim, when the truth is quite another matter.
However, deep-tissue lies are very hard to sustain and eventually, they will be seen for who they are and they may have to face dire consequences from their actions.
If all you can do is send the child your love and as much reassurance that things aren’t as they seem, do it and do it as often and in as many ways as you can, be the light and send the love.
People can be incredibly judgmental and vocal when it comes to other peoples’ divorces.
Parents and in-laws, siblings and best friends, they’ll all have an opinion on what they perceive you to have done to your ex, or on what’s been done to you, by your ex.
I think sometimes it’s a harder battle fighting the souls who are goading your situation on, like bloodthirsty spectators cheering from the comfort and safety of their seat at a gladiator ring.
If you have a few rallying supporters or enemies of this type in your divorce, you might be feeling the fatigue from the high maintenance cost these individuals put on their association with you.
You are allowed to say, ‘I’m not doing this anymore, leave me be and let me get on with it’, if you feel so inclined.
A divorce is only ever two people wide at the end of the day, I’ve said that many times before and believe it wholeheartedly to be true.
You’ve enough on your plate.
Meditation can guide you through a welcoming doorway to inner peace and you don’t have to be a Buddhist to do it. The ensuing respite can bring reliable, if temporary, release from all the pressures bearing down on your shoulders.
All that’s required is a pocketful of quiet time, a warm space, a pillow to sit on that will encourage you to sit upright with your back straight, or you could always lie comfortably if you prefer. Music stores, your local library, the guided mediation section of Amazon and several free destinations on YouTube will uncover a vast resource to listen to.
With a little focus and practice, they will help you to calm down from stressful situations and may be able to help you expedite your self-healing process.
It’s incredible how much paperwork you amass during a divorce.
There’s not only forms galore to fill in, in triplicate in some cases, with ensuing reams of bitter words on paper going back and forth between upset parties, but when it comes to your financial settlement, you’ll be trawling over bank statements and receipts for years gone by too, all of which will need copying and collating; it’s an entire forest’s worth of grief.
So what do you do with it once the Decree Absolute has arrived and the final account has been settled?
Recently, a UK student fashioned hundreds of old divorce papers into a wedding dress, that she put forward as an examination piece for her GCSE, very impressive.
I decided to burn mine, they were a thorn in my side to look at for what seemed like an eternity, sitting there blinking at me from the chunky red file they were squashed into. It was incredibly gratifying if I’m honest and once the vitriol had been turned to ash, I threw the lot into the bottom of a composting box that I plan to grow potatoes in.
Enjoy whatever you decide to do with yours, it’s a unique, surreal and healing experience for sure.
If the Christmas period has given you time for reflective thought on your relationship and brought you to a decision point where you are ready to end it, my heartfelt loving thoughts are with you.
There is never an easy time to reach that punctuation mark and Christmas and the New Year is a very common time for it to happen, although, I doubt you’ll find any comfort in the thought that you’re heart is breaking along with many others.
I think the reason we find it easier to make definitive decisions about our future is because all of our senses and emotions are heightened, the good and the bad and it’s often clear to know what we don’t want rather than what we do want.
With a few days to go until the end of the year, your reflective moments will probably turn into concrete plans sometime soon. If you decide to proceed with a separation and divorce, you will unquestionably find comfort and an organisational resource in ‘Diary for Divorce: for Women and Men’, available on Amazon.
It will allow you to pour your heart out, keep all your important information in one place as well as venting your frustrations and planning for a brighter future.
Good luck with all you decide to do; the sun will shine again.
Rebound sex, transitional relationship sex, one night stands, call it what you will.
Everyone and their dog will have an opinion on it if you give them an opportunity to comment but the only person who’s view actually counts, is you.
Once you’ve separated from your spouse and acknowledge there’s no going back and you feel ready to explore a physical connection with a new partner, that’s as good a time as any to line some up.
My thoughts on it are very clear; sex is great, it can lift your spirits, make you feel incredible, make you reach sexual heights you never thought were possible, but it also has the power to make you feel as cheap as a fake watch.
You have to be ready to cross that boundary and nobody has the right to tell you that at 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years from your splitting up date, it’s too early!
Listen to your body; it will show you when the time is right.
It’s Christmas Day; what a tricky one this is to write about.
If you have no children, advance to Go and collect your £200. If you do, here are my most heartfelt, guiding thoughts to help you through it.
Regardless of whether you’re a mother or father and whether the children live with you, your ex, or you have shared care, it may be difficult to keep your emotions in balance today.
If you’ve let the children in on the inner secrets of your divorce, you may be scorned by them and if you do the opposite, you may have the same reaction.
Regardless of your marital status now, at some point presumably in happier times, you and the other parent created a life. Try to hold onto the good thoughts at the root of that.
The focus today is should be embracing peace and when it’s mixed with recent history, sometimes that’s a bit too much to bear. If I’m honest, the best way to get through to tomorrow unscathed, is to grit yer teeth and ride it out; in time, these key days will get easier, I promise.
Scent is very evocative and can set off all sorts of memory triggers.
If you enjoy wearing a perfume, consider investing in a new brand to mark your transition into a new flavour of you.
If you’re feeling really psyched by this idea, do a little internet research and find a perfumery and book a session with a professional who will help you concoct a perfect blend of your favourite aromas.
Alternatively, if the budget won’t allow quite that much extravagance, visit a local health food store and buy some calming phials of essential oils like lavender, rose geranium, coconut or neroli (which can help you sleep too).
Lavender is just about the only essential oil you can put straight on the skin, around the pulse points is the best way to start it working on soothing your nervous system and giving you the pleasure of the aroma too. Others will need a base carrier oil, like sweet almond or cold-pressed rosehip.
Just ask the assistant, they will be only too glad to get you on a natural new track.
If you’ve been a wedding ring wearer, it is safe to say that on the day you decide to remove it, you may be somewhat shaken and stirred.
A wedding ring embodies what marriage is about; solidity, strength, commitment…well of course, that’s in a good case scenario. If you’ve been trapped in a marriage where things weren’t so happy, it can signify entrapment in an endless circle of repetitive nightmares.
Regardless of how you view the ring itself, it can be quite a chore getting used to touching the empty space on the third finger of your left hand and touch it you will.
The urge to twiddle that naked space is almost impossible to fight and it serves as an immediate reminder of what’s going on. There are no rules saying you need to keep that finger ring-free, if it’s too much to bear, consider getting something else to wear that symbolises your step towards a more positive future, or leave the space empty and buy a different item of jewellery and divert your twiddling twitches elsewhere.
There are few topics I’m reticent to dip into because of the enormity of them. This is one such and if this tip is relevant to you, please seek further advice and assistance, it is not something you need to deal with on your own.
So, you say you’re going to leave and they reply, ‘You can’t do that, I’ll kill myself’.
Where on earth do you go from here?
Threatened self-harm or suicide is indeed a cry for help, but not one you are qualified to treat. It is often deep rooted and even if you believe you know what the underlying causes are (dubious it’s simply your unveiled plans to leave) it’s unlikely to be something you’ll be able to handle well.
If the situation seems fairly calm, you may be able to buy time and put things on ice while you find breathing space to contact their doctor to explain what’s happened. However, if things are out of hand and danger is possibly imminent, call the emergency services and request assistance from the police.
Mental health instability is very real and should be treated seriously, it is not however, a reason to keep you living with the person who is threatening it and your mental health and wellbeing need to be taken into account too. Make an appointment to see your doctor and download the situation, you may need a little of their TLC also.